it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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