Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
