You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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