sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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