I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
