Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
