I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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