The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize