She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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