Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
