be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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