She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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