I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
