dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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