Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
