Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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