sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
