I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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