u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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