there's paper in my vomit.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
