I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
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