Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
