I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just threw up on my dentist
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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