It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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