Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
