I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
