the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
