This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
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My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
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I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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