I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
