i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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