my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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