At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
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while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
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This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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