I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
