haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
