She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
