I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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