I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
