i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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