I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
