You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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