I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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