Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
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i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
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Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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