I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
