Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
