i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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