Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
