u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Boobs speak an international language.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Randomize
