paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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