I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
