i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i may or may not be watching the land before time
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
