Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
