Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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