Moan for me like Helen Keller
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
