Old men and throwing up are my life now.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so let's talk penis.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
