Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
