Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
