I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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