Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
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The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
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I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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