I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
