just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
